Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Three years ago, Trey and I lived in San Diego while he managed an office selling security systems. One day while out selling, he spotted something moving in the grass. With no regard for the sale he was in, Trey abruptly asked his customer for a bucket and some gloves. What he came home with that night was something he called an alligator lizard or something I called a bad word. After explaining the sentimental reasons for this stupid lizard (I guess they had one growing up named Jordan), I decided to allow him to keep it as long as I didn't have to ever touch it, feed it, interact with it, etc...

Trey put the alligator lizard (I can't just say lizard or you will think it's cute. This thing was hissing at me) in a cardboard box until we could get a more permanent home for it. The next day, Trey left for work and left me alone, in the same house with the reptile. All afternoon I could hear this thing crawling around the box, which creeped me out to say the least. What creeped me out even more, however, was when I couldn't hear it anymore.

I went over to the box to check on the alligator and sure enough, it was gone and in its place, a lizard-sized hole he had chewed through the box. After searching all over the apartment, I found it on the balcony. I called Trey and told him the situation, which was basically that the lizard was gone forever since I wasn't going to touch it. He begged me to get a towel from the bathroom and catch it. If I was a tear shedder, this is where they would've come. Like a stupid wife, I obeyed and attempted to catch the dang thing. Unfortunately it scurried behind the washer, which meant that I had to coax it out by beating it with an unwound hanger. Just my luck. And after that proved unsuccessful, I watched as the lizard ran through a hole in the exterior wall. All that work for nothing.

Trey heard the full story when he got home and rather than feeling sorry for the trauma I had incurred, he suggested we go to the pet store to replace his day old friend. So what do you think happened? Well, we came home with a snake, tank, and a freezer full of frozen mice. The lizard was looking good at this point. Trey left for work the next day, not only leaving me alone with another reptile, but also accidentally leaving the top of the tank open. Later that evening, I realized I couldn't see the snake and noticed the open lid. The tank was on our kitchen counter so after looking EVERYWHERE, I assumed maybe the snake went down the sink. I assumed this mostly to help myself feel better about Trey not being home for many more hours.

Trey came home that night and once again, rather than feeling sorry for me, he decided we should go buy another snake as a replacement. Sure enough, we brought home one more snake. What was I thinking allowing this? That night, Trey went to bed and I decided to stay up and watch a movie. When the movie was over, I walked passed the kitchen and saw the snake out of the tank and on the counter. I panicked. How did this one get out? I would have to wake Trey up since I was not about to catch it and return it to the tank. But wait, there was already a snake in the tank. Snake on the counter=snake we thought we lost. Awesome. Two snakes. Kill me.

I was reminded of this story a few nights ago when Trey told me we were getting a new pet...a snapping turtle. Regular turtle, no problem. Snapping turtle, problem. One of Trey's guys found it in his neighborhood and knew Trey would love it, so he brought it home to join the Warner family. Trey got a home all set up for it and, though it was so tiny, I could not bring myself to go near it. The word "snapping" just ran through my mind and I was afraid the stupid thing would bite me. And before I allowed Trey to put this turtle in yet, another cardboard box, I made sure he wouldn't be able to chew his way through it. Why am I such a wuss? Here's Trey with the tiny little turtle.
Aww, so cute. What a nice little pet, even though it still creeps me out to hear it walking on the cardboard. But wait, that thing is just a baby, which only means that it won't stay tiny forever. Maybe we should google it and see how big this thing plans on getting. And this picture is no joke. Our tiny little turtle is only years away from becoming this...
And now the tiny turtle has become a resident of the lake behind our house. I think I'm done allowing Trey to bring home pets he finds in the hood.